The Indiana House of Representatives has passed a bill that requires recipients of welfare to undergo drug tests. HB1483 first requires an applicant for TANF to fill out a written questionnaire and, if identified as a possible abuser of drugs, take a urine test. Some have speculated about the format and contents of the questionnaire, said to be incredibly accurate in determining whether a person is a "drug abuser."

   Here at "Civil Discourse Now," through advanced techniques of investigative journalism, we have obtained a copy of that questionnaire. Here are the questions asked of TANF participants:

   Please answer the following questions "yes" or "no":

   1) Have you ever attended a concert by the Grateful Dead or Phish?

   2) Is 27.3495 grams of any significance in regard to an ounce?

   3) Can a bong be crafted from a Pringles® potato chip can?

   4) Have you ever used three (3) or more of any of the following drugs, simultaneously, on at least three (3) occasions?  Cocaine (in powder or other forms), marijuana, meth, peyote, mushrooms, LSD, ether, mescaline, downers, speed, heroin, methadone.

   5) Have you been convicted of sale of ten (10) pounds or more of any controlled substance?

   6) Do you become nervous when you see a police car?

   7) Did you attend Ball State University at any time?

   8) Have you ever dated a person who attended Ball State University at any time?

   9) Do you own a set of metric scales?

   10) Do you save the cellophane wrappers from packs of cigarettes?

   If your answer is "yes" to any of the above, please have a seat to the side of the room to receive your gift card for free room and board from the County.