Civil Discourse Now

Where the far left and far right overlap for fun and enlightenment

"$ideline$": a novel of tweets in which a coach is hired.

2: He shuffled, didnt offer a cut & dealt off the bottom of the deck badly. He caught my stare. I asked “Why bother stacking the deck when you’re using marked cards?” His voice came from behind me: “Because I can.” I turned around. His face filled the TV screen. 1/10

A voice-over explained how Bill Umtell was the first pro sports owner to realize American cities will whore themselves out to get an NFL® team. His realization meant his team might have the worst record, but it enjoyed the highest profit margin in pro sports. 2/10

I turned back around. His scary smile matched his chuckle. “They’re pissy ‘cause I haven’t hired a head coach.” I’d forgotten: training camp was about to start. “I’ll hire one when I’m damn ready. The way we play we only need a cheap coach.” 3/10

Movement caught my eye. 3 men in suits - 2 off-the-rack & 1 in a definite + size - entered the dining room. They looked mobbed up. (& I say that only figuratively because we’ve been told by many that there is no “mob” in the USA). 4/10

I recognized 1 guy: the Commissioner of the NFL®. This day certainly was weird. He said, “Bill, it’s time for us to talk.” Umtell said: “That’s ‘Mister’ to you. I’m 1 of your employers.” That did not go down well. “You have 24 hours to hire a head coach.” 5/10

“My pet rat could coach this team,” Umtell sneered. The Commissioner stared at Umtell. I asked: “You really have a pet rat?” Umtell shifted his attention to me. He began to smile. “You said you came here for a job?” I nodded. He pulled out and spoke into a flip phone. 6/10

“Hey! Tell Debi to come to the club and bring 20 large....No, not Debbie.... Not Debby ... Yeah: Debi. And tell her I need the shyster, too.” He shut the flip-phone and said to the Commissioner: “Just hired a head coach.” The Commissioner seemed doubtful. 7/10

Umtell said, “I read about this Roman Emperor who made his horse a Senator. This guy,” with the jerk of a thumb he indicated me, “is my new head coach.” The Commissioner stammered in an attempt to reply, but Umtell cut him off. “I can hire anybody.” 8/10

The Commissioner and his entourage left. I said, “I’ve never played football.” Umtell said, “Who cares? Idiots in this town wanted a franchise and gave me a stadium. I moved the team here. The contract doesn’t require we win any games. 9/10

I was employed, but by a guy who’d compared me to a rat and a horse. Okay. I’d try to make the best of things. I signaled for another beer. c. 2021 by mark small. Any similarities between people living or dead is possible, but so is everything in a quantum universe. 10/10

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