Civil Discourse Now

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EXCLUSIVE interview w/Vlad "the Defenestrater" Putin

MOSCOW. Tuesday, Febr 13, 2024. Pres V. Putin granted me an interview. After the transcript was edited to remove graphic descriptions, obscene language & bare-faced lies, nothing was left. What follows is an accurate work of fiction, just like OAN or The New York Post. 1/8

VP: Take off the hood now.
CDN: Where am I?
VP: Good morning.
CDN: Where the ...
VP: Why are you looking around?
CDN: Making sure there aren’t any windows.
VP: That is hackneyed joke. 2/8

CDN: You’re a ruthless killer. Apartment buildings you blew up in 1999...
VP: No one thrown out a window! And I do not know “ruth.”
CDN: May I have a notepad and a pen?
VP: We have watched you for years. I am confident with your keen memory, you do not need paper and pen for interview. 3/8

VP: I clarify: Navalny was great man.
CDN: “Was” a great man? I’m supposed to speak with him by phone ...
VP: What time is it?
CDN: There are no clocks in here?
VP: This place like Vegas, baby. No clocks.
(Phone rings.)
Someone want talk to you. It now is on “speaker.” 4/8

CDN: Hello?
X: Navalny dead. Was accident or suicide or he shot while trying to escape.
(Sound of call terminated.)
VP: And here is report on investigation of his death.
CDN: But this report is dated almost a year ago.
VP: We want make sure of conclusions. 5/8

CDN: The first page is titled “Note before I die of accident or suicide or shot while I try escape from place where President Putin give me great quarters that I do not appreciate.”
VP: You question what this man write? 6/8

CDN: How could he list specific ways he “might” die. Why are you handing me a pen and notebook? You said I do not need “pen and paper for interview.”
VP: For interview? Nyet. For posterity in maybe last moments of your life? You decide. 7/8

That is the end of my interview of Putin. A great leader whose moral code the 45th POTUS will try to copy, if that person is reinstalled in the Oval Office. So: signing off for CDN. And to Putin, if he reads this, I say "Путін—хуйло"! 8/8

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