OPERATOR: Good evening. White House switchboard.

JR: Hi. I want to talk with whoever is investigating
the “white powder” found in the West Wing.

O: May I have your name please?

JR: I know this number. That should narrow the field.

O: Sir, I...

JR: You don’t know who I am? I can spell it out,
if that helps.

O: I think I have your name, but it helps if you spell
the last part.

JR: Huh?

O: The first, middle & last names I’ve got. What’s
the end?

JR: “J” “R” period.

O: No, that’s an abbreviation. Spell out the word.

JR: Well, “J.” And then ...

O: Hold on. I’m connecting you to Sergeant Joe Friday.

JR: Thanks. Last time my call went to a Barney Miller and...
[Caller is put on hold as.phone rings.]

PAT: Secret Service, White House detail.

O: I have Junior on the line again. This might actually be
something he knows about. He wants to “talk with whoever
is investigating the ‘white powder’ found in the West
Wing.” I told him you’re Joe Friday.

P:: Damn it, I want to pick my fictional identity next
time.... Aw, nuts. ... Hello. Sgt Joe Friday.

JR: Hi. I want to talk with whoever is investigating
the “white powder” found in the West Wing.

P: That’s me. How can I be of help?

JR: Well, I wondered where it was ...

P: Where it was found?

JR: Yeah, I mean ...

P: We’re not at liberty to ...

JR: I’m pretty familiar with the ...

P: You’d need an almost intimate knowledge of ...

JR: The water tank be hind the Oval Office toilet?

P: Intimate, but it wasn’t there.

JR: Behind the portrait of Andrew Jackson?

P: Nope.

JR: I mean the one the Klan gave to Dad ... er
gifted to the government.

P: Huh?

JR: In the frame of the portrait of Mrs. Buchanan?

P: There wasn’t a ... Let’s save time. We already
popped the frame off the Resolute Desk.

JR: I don’t know anything about that. Besides,
that’s my sister’s. Besides, I gotta go ...

P: Another fun Saturday night. I wanta be
Bernard P. Fife for once.