I was contacted by individuals with no connection to the campaign of Donald Trump® and asked, in the wake of yesterday’s announcement by the Man Who Would Be—Well I’ll Settle for President that he would impose a really strict test on those who would try to enter the United States to draft such a test. The folks in question would have to past a test to ascertain whether those folks understand The Constitution. One reasonably infers Mr. Trump® meant the Constitution of the United States, not the constitutions of the various States and Commonwealths that comprise our country.
   I was chosen because of my knowledge, insight, and several grades of “C” I received in classes related to statistics when I was in undergrad at DePauw. After all, really good grades or really bad grades would have made me an “outlier” of sorts.
   As I was instructed, the test is aimed to screen those most likely to be terrorists and least likely to share the uniformly accepted of what it means to be an “American.”
   Here is the exam. You may open your booklets:
   1) What does Article XII of the Constitution address?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) Contact information, confidential and available to only to that President, for Russian oligarchs.
    C) There is no Article XII.
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
   2) What is the single belief most important to one who would be an American?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) An understanding of the bankruptcy code and how to screw creditors while simultaneously keeping personal wealth in the hundreds of millions.
    C) There is no such belief.
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
   3) To be a real American like The Framers of the Constitution, what must one be?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) A wealthy, white, male landowner who either is willing to own other human beings as chattel or who is tolerant of those who would own other human beings as chattel.
    C) There is no such requirement.
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
   4) Freedom of speech and of the press include what one, central belief?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) Freedom of speech and freedom of the press protect only the “right” messages.  
    C) There is no such belief.
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
    5) What is the single character trait most important to one who would be an American?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) An understanding of how to blame others for one’s own mistakes and convince the American public of “same.”
    C) There is no such character trait.
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
   6) To be a real American, in regard to foreign policy, in what strategy must one believe?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) Bomb and kill people indiscriminately, even through use of nuclear weapons.
    C) There is no such strategy.
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
   7) To be a real American, what is the one attribute a secretary must have in a business setting?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) Big tits, you moron—bazooms, I mean melons big enough for really big hands to hold them—because any “real” American executive is going to a heterosexual male.  
    C) There is no such attribute.
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
    8) To be a real American, in what one religion must one believe?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) Any religion as long as it is a fundamentalist, Protestant, Christian sect.  
    C) There is no “oene” religion, except it can’t be Islam. .
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
   9) To be a real American, is one is drafted by the military to serve one’s country, what is the only choice?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) If one is rich and not a “loser,” one’s daddy intervenes and obtains one a deferment because only stupid people go into the military.
    C) There is no such “choice.”
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
   10) To be a real American, what is the one set of actions one must utilize to deal with adversaries?
    A) Whatever the hell “the second person to be elected President in the 21st Century” wants it to be at any given moment.
    B) Belittle them, make fun of them, and, when they respond with the slightest criticism, sue them for defamation.  
    C) There is no such set of actions.
    D) None of the above.
    E) All of the above.
    The correct answers are either “A” or “E.” “A” means an American will simply leave matters in the hands of Trump® and worry no more. “E” means an immersion into chaos, as “all of the above” includes at least one contradictory answer—“none of the above”—but chaos and uncertainty are what we face if Trump® is elected.
   And do not worry about those who might memorize the answers. If a terrorist has to pass a loyalty test to get into this country to commit acts of terror, he or she will lie to pass that test.
   I would send an invoice for my work on this test to the Trump® campaign at some point, but by the time I do so, he already will have filed another bankruptcy.