WARNING: If you lack a sense of humor, please read no further.

West Fort Worth Management, formerly called Pale Horse Strategies, is in need of hiring a copywriter. The company changed its name recently after its leader met with white supremacist Nick Fuentes. Below is the text of the letter I sent: 

West Fort Worth Management
c/o RedBalloon

Re: Job opening for copywriter

In research for my blog (civildiscoursenow.com) I saw that you seek a copywriter. While I understand this job is not remote, I also saw you will consider a relocation bonus. I shall include with this letter my current resume. This cover letter is provided, as you request in the notice on RedBalloon, to tell you a little bit about me and why I would be a good fit for this position.

1) I am a white male. On my father’s side, I am a direct descendant of the first Governor of Massachusetts Bay Colony, John Endicott. On my mother’s side my family ties extend to Ralph Waldo Emerson. During college, when I was home for the summer, I set up my stereo in my parents’ servants quarters. On the other hand, as I later learned (and unbeknownst to my parents), my mitochondrial DNA indicates I have ancestry from East Africa.
2) I am a graduate of DePauw University (as is former Vice President Dan Quayle, though, as I understand, his GPA at DePauw was higher than mine). I was elected Student Body President, was on the debate team, and was a member of the 1978 Trivia Bowl champion team. I also am a graduate of Indiana University School of Law-Indianapolis (as is former Vice President Dan Quayle, though, as I understand, my GPA at IU-Indy was higher than his).
3) In my first involvement in politics, I donated twenty-five percent (25%) of my income to the GOP ticket for President and Vice President. The year was 1964, the candidates were Senator Barry Goldwater and Representative William E Miller, and my donation was 25 cents from a weekly allowance of one dollar. To paraphrase Phil Ochs, “sure, once I was young and impulsive.” If we fast-forward to 2020, I was elected precinct committee chair for the Republican Party in Marion County, Washington Township, Precinct 21-01. In the 2020 primary for Indiana Congressional District 5, I embraced positions on issues that have been the GOP’s until only recently: pro-choice, pro-environment, and anti-gun.
4) I have had three novels and about a dozen short stories published. I am pretty good at writing fiction. I believe writing fiction is a necessary skill for anyone who (a) writes for trump/MAGA campaigns while (b) saying those campaigns have anything remotely (1) beneficial to the United States or (2) advocating values rooted in our Constitution.
5) Some people are quick to say our Nation is divided, as though division is an exception. In fact, division has been the rule. A degree of cynicism always is prudent, but today we need to look back a few centuries to Niccolo Machiavelli. He originated “realpolitik.” I have studied Machiavelli. Also, only one play that was written by Machiavelli, “Mandragola,” still exists. One might argue that the part of Ligurio, in which I was cast, was Machiavelli. We should look back to the years in which our Nation was united. From the early 1950s, when Brown I was handed down by the Supreme Court, to 1980, the United States was united to eradicate racism, segregation, ignorance, and disparities in wealth.
6) In undergrad I studied governments and became a philosophical anarchist. I studied religion and became an atheist. I disagree with people who say the trump/MAGA phenomenon is a cancer to our society. Cancers do not act with any discernible volition.
7) In January 1994, by the second of what became nine days in the hospital, both of my legs were paralyzed. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and soon was able to get around with crutches. I pursued my own course of rehabilitation. In 1999, I walked in a half-marathon (13.1 miles), held each year in conjunction with the Indianapolis 500 Festival. In 2001, I walked a full marathon. The notice posted on RedBalloon says that the person in this position “will play a crucial role in our organization’s fundraising efforts by creating compelling and persuasive copy.” My experiences enable me to express myself in compelling and persuasive ways. I am quite passionate about firearms (they should be outlawed), drugs (they should be legal), health care (we need Medicare for all), and human rights.
8) In 2017 I represented Clients in Blumstein, et al v Pence, et al, 16-907, and Bailey et al. v. United States, 16-1464, before the United States Supreme Court. We challenged the validity of the 2016 election. After I spoke to an audience in Rockport, Massachusetts, a reporter asked me how I had spoken for 45 minutes, without notes, about the history of The Constitution. I said “I know history.”
9) One aspect of my residual neuropathy is sleep. I get up early every morning, but cannot stay up late. Consequently, not only my copy would be inconsistent with people who burn crosses or stage parades lit by torches, but I would be absent from any such mass expressions of hatred and stupidity.
The skills that I offer are unique. People very close to me have encouraged me to apply for this position, even though I would have to relocate. It would seem that you work with people and groups who praise the work of the person who, one might say, was hired for a job with the government from the Oval Office. From January 20, 2017, to January 20, 2021, he nearly destroyed our country. I can assure you that if you hire me for this job, I shall do my best, in the context of that job, to emulate him and to bring your company as close as possible to the condition in which our government was left on January 20, 2021.

My references are available on request. I look forward to your reply.