Good day to you:

I read the news today, oh boy. The Pope passed away. I send my condolences. At the same time, one should not ignore the important task of choosing his successor. With this letter I hereby apply for the job.

Ecumenical law, as I understand it, requires that, to be eligible for the job of Pope, a person need only have been baptized in the Roman Catholic Church. I was baptized at St Joan of Arc Church, one of two Roman Catholic churches in Kokomo, Indiana. I have a recollection of water in a basin into which I fit. I also remember the taste of salt. It is possible the event took place in St Patrick’s, the other RC church in Kokomo. After all, both have similar interiors. So I could be wrong about that, but fortunately I’m not infallible - yet.

As Pope there are several changes I would make and several actions of a specific nature I would take. The changes:
1) Women immediately would be eligible to be priests, with the ability to hold communion and perform any & all other things priests can do.
2) Women immediately would be eligible for any other positions the Church now restricts to men, except Pope, because I’ll be Pope. Women would be eligible to apply for the job of Pope, once I no longer hold such office.
3) The College of Cardinals would be abolished, to be replaced by the College of Cubs (if you have to ask, you do not understand).
4) I would order the excommunication of five Roman Catholic justices on the United States Supreme Court: John Roberts, CJ, and Associate Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Barrett. Each of these individuals bore false witness (i.e., lied) in testimony to secure his/her appointment. Also, each has done her or his best to crap on the poor and various marginalized groups via the seat on the Court.
5) I also would order the sale of jewelry, gold, etc, held by the Roman Catholic Church to be used for schools of agriculture (with liberal arts components) in impoverished nations, with short-term provision of food.
6) I would Order that “Shoeless Joe” Jackson be declared an saint because if Major League Baseball will not admit him to the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, he at least should be a saint. Who knows, maybe MLB will do the “right thing.”
7) I would order that no one in whatever the unified jobs of nuns/priests are called must be celibate. AND
8) Any Roman Catholic working in an appointed, elected or hired-at will, in the administration of the current U.S. President, who is a member of the Republican Party, and who has expressed support for the U.S. President, will have 48 hours to resign any such position and covenant to never hold any public office again. The Church has done great harm in the past by its support of dictators. That shit stops now.

The Church needs to re-gear from its medieval mind-set. The changes I have listed would be 21st Century. For a “pope name,” I want to send a message. I like “Willabide I.” On the other hand, there are aspects of the traditional that should be maintained. The official “Shoes of the Fisherman” on my watch would be Chucks, specifically high tops.

Finally, I applied for the job of Pope after JP I’s death. I even wrote it in Latin (one of the few benefits of taking Latin in high school). You have available, I am certain, several apps by which you can translate this to whatever language you wish. The Vatican missed the boat when I applied before. I believe I would have been a bitchin’ pope. I have studied religions and philosophies that seek answers to life’s questions. That is why I am an atheist and would provide a new perspective for Roman Catholicism.

My resume and references are available on request.

Sincerely,

s/mark small.