This just in, from Newsweek: “ the current guidance of having two or fewer drinks a day is going
to be overhauled” by the Department of Health and Human Services (“DHHS”), headed by RFK, Jr. Newsweek might be first on getting a quick healing, but we have more details. 1/9

In an effort to restore the country to the clear-headed sanity of the Framers who produced The Constitution, eligible voters will be encouraged to drink 5 gallons of “hard liquor” [FN1] per year. The Sec’y, to qualm fears, said: “This is not a limit, but a minimum.” 2/9

To encourage expanded consumption, special “stamps” will be issued when a registered voter buys a quart “and no more of this metric bullshit” a spokesperson for DHHS stated. The registered voter can then “take their coupon card to the polls to vote.” 3/9

Given the concern the occupant of the Oval Office expressed over the “leisure industry” and the adverse effects of ICE raids on that industries trained personnel, voting now will be required to be held in taverns. “We’ll have some promos for election days. Ask a bar owner.” 4/9

After an inordinately long pause, our reporter asked: “Ask what?” “Tuesdays always suck.” In a parallel move, Pentagon Chief Pete Hegseth will assume the new DHHS position of Undersecretary for Blackouts. Bipartisan response to that news was positive. [FN2] 5/9

Concern was voiced when the titular head of the executive branch wanted to market the booze in question, but one foreign leader said, “I tell him: no. Want this to work, not fail, and you can’t quote me on this. Da!?” 6/9

Asked why the phrase “eligible voter” was repeated, a spokesperson, who will remain nameless, replied: “Voters to be eligible only can be white, male landowners. Da?” Drink specials will be announced the day prior to elections. [FN3] 7/9

Footnotes:
FN1. Defined as any beverage that is 80 proof (or 40%) alcohol.
FN2. A former classmate of the new Undersecretary observed: “How can he fuck up a position that means he can’t remember? That describes every one of his junior years in undergrad.” 8/9

FN3. This story will be updated, but not until 4:20 when the Undersecretary has a presser. 9/9