When I read that rumors were circulating that trump, who has not been seen “in public” since last Tuesday, is dead, I launched into action. We’ve had experience with this type of rumor. In 1967, rumors were about that Paul McCartney was dead. I looked for: 1/5

photographs of trump walking barefoot and out of step in a cross-walk with others (cover of “Abbey Road”). Nope.
cryptic badges or patches (e.g., “OPD” on “Sgt Pepper”). Huh-uh. 2/5

costumes worn that signify “death” (the Walrus on “Magical Mystery Tour,” even though John Lennon was the walrus). No.
Lyrics or something trump has written that left a hint (e.g., “A Day in the Life”). No way. 3/5

I had an epiphany: trump is brainless, totally lacking talent in any medium. It was tough tracking down the vinyl. The place was the tenth or twelfth I’d visited, but the owner lit up at “brainless, totally lacking talent in any medium.” I paid the man & got the album. Once home... 4/5

I cut a piece of cardboard to the size of a small hand, punctured a hole in the center, and with the record on top, spun it backward. The voice was squeaky but claimed to be trump & added: “I’m not dead.” Now what do I do with a Kid Rock album? 5/5