I, this weird dream last night, I ran into Socrates. As my dreams go, we were on the concourse of a ballpark. I knew it had to be a dream, and not death. After all, as an atheist, I do not believe in an after-life. If I did, this was not heaven, as it was a weird compilation of ballparks related to the Reds. I am a Cubs fan. On the other hand, it wasn’t hell, because I saw no indication I was in the Bronx.

   But I had a beer in my hand (not Hudepohl, or else I would have had second thoughts about the place being hell), and decided to chat up the old guy. He looked, I might add, remarkably like Peter Ustinov. After introductions were made, we chatted.  

Question:

Why are you at a baseball game?

Socrates:

Ancient Greeks invented it. Ken Burns had his head up his ass. When it comes to hard wood and balls, male philosophers, in the Golden Age, had competition well-developed.

Question:

Why aren’t you at a football game? Football involves, rugged, muscular men wrestling around and bashing each other.

Socrates:

Who can afford a ticket? Look at the field. [I did.] The Reds against the Nationals. The scalper paid me to take the ticket off his hands.

Question:

In the Dialogues, Plato quotes you at length. You talked a great deal about the city-state.

Socrates:

Is that a question? First, let’s get something straight about Plato. The guy was not all that sharp. Does the best student of a class make his name by writing about the class? Come on! Xenophon had Plato hands down. Of course, Xeno had a thing about foreigners, but each of us has his little hang-ups. And I thought Keanu Reeves had a better dialogue with me than Plato ever had.

Question:

The city-state?

Socrates:

Finally you ask a question, but not in a complete sentence. Yes, I spoke at length about the City-State. The words begin with upper-case letters. Wait. I need another beer.

Question:

Do you believe it is the proper role for the City-State to subsidize professional sports?

Socrates:

Why should they? If a pro sports franchise doesn’t like where it is located, let it move. Robert Irsay was the guy who got this whole thing rolling. We get the newspapers here. We have the internet, too. I really like the lesbian porn. So does Aristophanes. I say let the franchises walk away. China seems like a good place for them. And China has all that money now. 

Question:

Would we make more money by getting the Colts to breach their contract and move to Los Angeles?

Socrates:

  First, who is "we"? I pretty much can guarantee about 99 percent of the people of the City of Indianapolis would not see any money in your pockets. Some how, some way, the sugar would flow to the various people behind the curtain. Yes, we get movies here.  An Oz-like effort it is, running graft in a major city. And your political parties? What a ruse! Each serves the same interests—the people who don’t like to have the authority questioned. Those people end up handing out free cups of hemlock. Now go away. I am going to drink beer and watch the game. Bore that bastard Plato if you’re going to bore anyone. He stiffed me on the last tuition payment when he knew Athens had issued its sentence.  But I can safely predict the people of Indy are going to pay for the Colts for generations to come, so why not keep them.